It was around Easter of 2014 when I realized that I may be pregnant I took the test in a gas station bathroom. It came up positive and my heart crumbled. Another baby? I didn’t have a job, a license, anything that I needed to support another baby. Jacob, my oldest, was about 10 months old and my parents were supporting him 100%. I walked out of the gas station and found a very close friend parked outside, completely by coincidence. She had no idea what I had just found out, but she must’ve seen the look on my face because she knew something was up. She asked me what was wrong, and I threw the test into her lap. At that point, I was already set on an abortion. I was not about to carry this baby and then just hand it over, and I wasn’t dragging it through the mud either. I had my mind set. She then told me about her friends who would be willing to foster or adopt. I told her there wasn’t any need.
It took me a very long time to tell my mom--in fact about 5 months. She told me she’d pay for the abortion and to make the appointment.
So I did.
I made the appointment; I went to it; I went through the counseling and the walk through of the procedure. I even saw the ultra sound, which I had to fight for because they aren't supposed to show you. When I saw the monitor I saw a very large head (he still has that large head, too).
I knew I was far along, and it was going to cost a lot of money: Strike one.
The lady at the counter told me I had to have my mother present because it was her debit card: Strike two. So off the bank across the street we went. Turns out, I couldn’t take that much out of the ATM: Strike three.
Three strikes of God showing me that this just was not meant to be. I was supposed to have this baby, but I also knew in my heart that I wasn’t good enough for him. So I called that friend from the car, and I told her to tell Stacy they were having a baby.
Stacy and I went out a week after talking for the first time. We instantly clicked, and I fell in love with her. She went on to tell me about her husband, Ryan, and their four kids. I asked her if she was insane wanting another, and she just laughed. She made me feel so welcome and so very loved. She loved my son even more. We went to every doctor's appointment together, even went to Starbucks before most of them. When I met her kids, I was so nervous; would they like me? Would they except this baby? Will they only love me until I have this baby?
Let me tell you, these kids were and are amazing. They loved me beside the baby. (Well, except the little one--she took some time because we both have the same attitude; and boy oh boy was she fun to mess with! We were all a really weird, really close family. :) )
I couldn’t stop feeling like this baby was a girl, and I cried for weeks on end because I always wanted a little girl. I know it sounds horrible, but I didn’t know if I could go through with the adoption if it was a girl. Ever since I was little, I wanted a girl.
We decided to get an ultrasound to find out the sex a few weeks after we told everyone about our adoption plan and things got settled between everyone. Stacy's son begged me and prayed to have a boy. In the doctor's office, we sat there for a while before they called us back to the room where they do the ultrasound. The nurse checked the baby out to make sure he was healthy and everything. Then she got a clear picture, and all of us yelled, "It’s a boy!" I looked over to see Ryan crying, and Stacy had this huge gigantic smile. Afterwards, we decided to get balloons and do a reveal for the kids back at home. They were so excited, especially her son who was so sick.
For the life of me, I can’t remember what time I finally called Stacy, but I was in labor for about three hours before I did. It was in the middle of the night, and we needed to go to the hospital after having a false alarm. I woke Stacy up, and I don’t think she’s ever driven so fast in her life because she got to my house in 10 minutes. The car ride felt like forever. I was in so much pain. Ryan was getting the kids set up at home with their grandmom, so he met us there. Stacy had my ball, and Ryan brought the camera; we had every thing we needed. It was baby time.
Labor was rough, but Stacy held me through it. I remember her saying, "You got this, babe, just breathe.” I also remember Ryan crying because I was having a rough time. (Sorry Ryan that’s my favorite part ha)
I finally got the epidural and took a nap. Around 10 am the doc came in and said it was time. At around 10:45 he was born, and they laid his sweet little body on my chest. I remember not hearing the doctor say “look at all that hair”; instead it was, “we have a head.” I looked up and Stacy and thought, "Your child better have hair; I dealt with fierce heartburn. The. Full. Nine. Months. Every single day!"
But when they laid him on my chest and he was bald! I said to Stacy “All that heartburn for nothing?!”
We decided Stacy was going to cut the cord; and when she did, blood splattered everywhere. We still to this day laugh about it; it was so funny.
The hospital stay
When it came time to leave, the nurse came in and said DCPP was called because I tested positive for marijuana. I asked her why they were called if he wasn’t coming home with me and that the lawyer was on her way with the paperwork for him to go home with them. She told us that the hospital didn’t recognize the placement and had no knowledge of the adoption (which was a lie because we asked if it was possible for the baby to be separated from me if I needed to be, to which they had no issue.) So DCPP came did their investigation and decided he couldn’t go home with Ryan and Stacy because of a technicality. The case worker and nurse took his crib out of the room, and Stacy had to grab me. The entire time this lady kept saying, “We don’t want to divert you from your plan.” But off he went to a foster home we didn’t know, and it was all my fault.
Stacy and I were crushed. My mom was livid, having offered to take him home for the time being. I was ruined, but Stacy yet again pulled it together. “We’ll make it work,” she kept saying. She kept reminding me that it was in God's hands and to just pray.
Two days later I got the call that Joshua was coming home, right before Christmas.
On Christmas Eve, we had our first of many visits.
Today, he’s three and Jacob is 4.
My thoughts and feelings.
Like I said before, God had his plan. I love these people with the entirety of my heart. I knew Joshua was going where he belonged.
The hardest part for me was admittance--I had to admit that I wasn’t going to be a good enough mother, I wasn't going to be able to give him anything but love. I had no money, no job, no car or license, no high school diploma. I couldn’t be his mother. That was the hardest.
Also, that 9th month, I wanted to stay pregnant forever. I could keep him if he was in my belly. Not giving birth meant me not giving him up. Every movement or hiccup killed me a little more because I knew once those movements and hiccups stopped, I was no longer his mommy. In my womb, I’m his mommy. I can give him everything he needs in my tummy. He’s safe there. But all in all, I knew where he belonged, and who he deserved. And that was them.
So today I have a job, my diploma, a car and my license. I have a wonderful family with a man who loves both of my children unconditionally. Everything happened exactly how it was supposed to. I’m still super close with Joshua's parents and the kids. Jacob absolutely adores his baby brother. I have an entire family that I never expected to have.